Mud

On my desk is a little Hot Wheels truck painted to look like it has been muddin'. I like it; it was left there by a former desk mate with a note saying "good luck to you." I keep it there in front of me right below my computer screen to remind me I should be having "luck" when what I really have is mud.
Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with mud. Mud, dirt, earth is very symbolic to me right now. It brings to mind one of the very happiest times when my first son played in the mud and was covered from head to toe, I have pictures of that somewhere and I should get them out again. It also helps me to navigate away from the profound, the complicated and helps me to remember to keep things simple.
I have never been muddin' in my truck; I am not sure I would like it. I am too careful to keep things straight, clean and in order, at least in appearances. I do take risks, with my heart, but not physical risks associated with getting dirty or driving my truck headlong into the mud. I am quite sure I would wreck, get stuck or hurt myself. Yeah, I am pretty pent up and retentive about alot of things and need to learn to let go, still its hard to undo a lifelong trend of needing to keep things okay.
I recently lost my grandmother, a sweet little lady with 90 years under her belt. I used to spend summers with her and my papa at their place in East Texas. She would set me up in the yard with dishes, cooking utensils, a table and chairs and I would have the most fun making mud pies and serving them to my dolls, my imaginary friends and in the evenings to she and my papa. I wasn't worried about getting dirty then...funny. By contrast, the summer I was ten years old I went to summer camp and my mother had bought new clothes for me to wear at camp. Camp is not a particularly clean place with its canoeing and hiking, swimming in the lake, fishing and campfires. I remember my mother yelling at me when I returned home with those new clothes, most of them stained with mud or dirt never to come clean. Therein lies the problem.
Having too much control over too much in your life is really to have lost total control over it all. (I said that, you can quote me) If there comes a time in life when we forget to squish our toes in the mud or hell just lay down and waller in it, then life ceases to be the fun, spontaneous, joyous occasion it was meant to be. I am learning and though it may be a while before you catch me in the mud, its not like I'm not thinking about it!